I breathe appreciation. It is my life-giving force.
It comes naturally to me to notice and affirm beauty in people, relationships, situations and environment, no matter how dark or tough it gets. And I spontaneously express appreciation, joy and gratitude, acknowledging and valuing others, and adding value with my humble bit. This happens so naturally that I never thought about it, until when a dear friend light-heartedly remarked – “were you a trained Tennis or Badminton player … I notice how you skilfully land appreciation”.
Lo and behold – she was so right because I used to represent my school at state level for table-tennis, and was a back-up member of the school badminton team. Some unconscious at work. But I had never thought of my favourite sport of Table-Tennis/Ping-Pong as a metaphor of behavioural exchange.
Our light banter apart, my friend’s remark set me thinking – how often in relational space, we are playing Ping-Pong of reactivity to each other’s views/feelings that we disagree with or disapprove. The energy that we create in the process is dysfunctional and unhealthy for all. Imagine two people engaged in an intense discussion and throwing points and counter-points at each other. Even if their discussion is on important and serious matter, and grounded in facts and logic, consider the energy that is getting generated in their relational space with ping-pong of reactivity.
That said, the energy exchange between people is inevitable because of the behavioural transactions in the relational space. There is bound to be a ping-pong game of psychological stimuli to each other. And if it is inevitable that people react to each other and get affected by each other – wouldn’t it be so much more worthy if we were to choose to create positive affect towards and with each other.
Imagine once again the same two people engaged in intense discussion, albeit with the difference that seeing beyond their obvious differences, they choose to notice and acknowledge each other’s wisdom and good contribution in taking the discussion forward in mutually useful direction. How would such a relational space look and feel like!
Even when you disagree or feel strongly about what the other person is contending – it is likely that you agree or like in parts the point that the other person is making.
Would you like to choose to notice what works and what better/new/different is possible?
Without getting passive towards or conceding to valid points of differences, would you like to choose to notice the positive intent and affirmative energy that others bring in, and return the same with all of yours. As Virginia Satir wisely remarks –
“Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, communication is open and rules are flexible”
What a wonderfully charged game it would be if the players are cheering and positively challenging each other, rather than jeering at each other or reacting only to each other’s fault-lines. One or the other has to win in the end. Question is what feeling you want others to carry once the game is over. I would like the player on the other side to go home thinking – “she lost/won with grace, and remembered to appreciate my moves and my game“.
The poetic Principle of Appreciative Inquiry invites us to mindfully make a deliberate choice about what we study, inquire into and engage with.
If life is a game of Ping-Pong, would you like to choose to serve and return authentic appreciation!
With Appreciation & Light
Neena Verma, PhD, PCC